Qualified Nonsense

Tomorrow I turn 26 years old.

In those years I have learned that there are certain truisms that can be applied in each and every situation in life. Sometimes, the world can indeed be viewed in black and white.

For example, I have determined that women, after consumption of a fair amount of alcohol, are more likely to touch your leg.



This is a strategy that you can successfully employ if used under the right circumstances, much like missile defense systems of developed countries. Sometimes it even works if you have a bad haircut, or if your car is non-existent.

Another truism I have discovered is the phenomenon of completely unqualified people getting hired to high profile, high salary, "respectable" positions. Of course, I use "unqualified" in my own sense of the word, which leans towards the literal translation. For example, I take x-rays to support my bad habits, namely purchasing expensive musical instruments and buying women fair amounts of alcohol. It could be said that this is what I do for a "living". If I was bad at taking x-rays, I should be deemed "unqualified"... but we all should know that this wouldn't be the case, because I went to school and I have an official "license", printed on high quality (80% wood pulp) paper. It doesn't matter how good I am. To suggest that I would be unqualified would be asinine, because I own a piece of paper signed by a stranger with a confusing-but-official-sounding title, such as Secretary of the Interior.

Years ago I tried to take a music class at the college I was attending. I figured I met the prerequisites for the course, which was "previous experience in music", or something to that effect. I have been playing music since I was five, and it has pretty much consumed my life at times. That, to me, was experience. I went to class the first day and they wouldn't let me stay; I had taken no music classes previously, and so in their estimation, I had no musical experience. I was not a musician, and so much was communicated right to my face. As is my custom, I made a scene, and as I left in a huff I heard the snickering of the many "official" musicians, thinking how funny and quaint it was for somebody like me to pretend they knew one iota about music. "Hell," they reasoned, "he probably doesn't know his augmented eights from his pentatonic scale!"

This rings true even in the sports world. For some reason, the people running sports teams thinks there always is a very limited number of qualified coaches and executives. It's hard to get your foot in the door, because previous experience, regardless of the amount of success acheived in this experience, is always necessary. This results in the inevitable musical-chairs reference by me, and the sighting of numerous hilarious front-page entries stacked on top of each other on sports websites:

- Mavs and Avery Johnson part ways
- Knicks exec: "We want Avery!"
- Shawn Kemp found naked and homeless in Pittsburgh slum
- Suns may be interested in Avery Johnson
- Bulls prez: "Wait, do we have a coach yet?"

In Portland, Bob Whitsitt ran the team into the ground, and surprisingly the rest of the league paid heed; he has been out of the NBA since. But his assistant, Mark Warkentien, kept his head above water, and was hired by Denver in 2005... and look what happened. It's no surprise. It disappoints me, because I kinda like Denver, if only for their stylish uniforms. If you hire somebody who has proven to be an unequivocal failure in their profession, as they did with Warkentien, the honeymoon will not last long. The Nuggets are stocked with talent and should be competing for championships; instead, they barely made the playoffs this year, and the team has no conceivable chance to be competitive in the near future. Our friend Andy from Denver Stiffs explains:

"Prior to joining the Nuggets, Warkentien spent 10 years (1994-2004) with the Portland Trailblazers, first as a scout, then Director of Scouting, then Assistant General Manager and, finally, Director of Player Personnel. Working with "Trader Bob" Whitsitt, here’s a sampling of the players Warkentien was involved with in bringing to Portland during his tenure: Dontonio Wingfield, Rasheed Wallace, Isaiah Rider, Kenny Anderson, Damon Stoudamire, Bonzi Wells, Jim Jackson, Shawn Kemp, Rod Strickland, Zach Randolph, Ruben Patterson, Qyntel Woods, Jeff McInnis, Darius Miles and Sebastian Telfair.

All of these players had a few things in common: bad character, disturbing personal issues, problems with coaches and teammates, ran afoul of the law, or, in most cases, all of the above. Your Portland Jailblazers, ladies and gentlemen! I'm still in shock that Warkentien didn't recommend acquiring Roy Tarpley, Stephen Jackson and Latrell Sprewell while he was in the City of Roses."

Click here for the full text. NOTE: Warkentien is the fat guy who looks like Karl Rove's kid brother.

Other highlights of the coaching carousel:

- Me and my friend Seth were at a bar when we first heard of the D'Antoni signing on ESPN, and the only video clip they had was of him screaming at a referee as if he had just found out the ref played a prank on D'Antoni after he passed out by shaving off his moustache. My favorite part of the D'Antoni signing is just how little sense it makes on both sides: D'Antoni wants to run, and apparently he hasn't realized yet that Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry are both on his team... New York wanted a proven coach, and D'Antoni has no championships and nobody knows where, or if, he was coaching before he went to Phoenix. I don't necessarily think it was a bad hire, but I can't see him lasting more than two years, which is like the longest leash coaches have nowadays. Also, after watching the press conference, it seemed like D'Antoni was already defending his uptempo style and preparing for the media onslaught. It just seems like a bad fit.

- Speaking of the Knicks, they finally ran Isiah out of t-... okay, so he's still there, just not allowed to talk to anybody. Yes, that's the official word. Me and my friend Andy think he comes into his office each day and just stares at the wall until it's time to go home. Would anybody be surprised at this point? If New York's personnel decisions were put into the hands of a group of rhesus monkeys of average intelligence, and decisions could be based on random buttons they push on a switchboard, could they possibly end up with a worse team than they've had in the last two seasons? The Donnie Walsh hiring was not surprising, considering he didn't win a thing in Indiana and is older than coal. A prime candidate for an NBA front office gig, I suppose.

- The biggest loser? Probably Phoenix. Not because of D'Antoni, but because of the Shaq trade, Nash's aging body, and the sad end of the Phoenix era. Out of anybody, it was D'Antoni and Nash who spearheaded the renaissance of entertaining NBA basketball, leading it out of the doldrums of the unbearable mess that was the '90s. Sure, they were robbed of the championship last year, and even so, they came undeniably close, but close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and when you try to piss on your brother from the roof (because if you miss with the primary stream, some surely will splash onto his legs). At least that's what my dad tells me.

- This just in: Jerry Reinsdorf, majority owner of the Chicago Bulls, feels "misled" about the whole ordeal, what with Mike D'Antoni spurning his offer to coach his team. His feelings were hurt, and he claims to be "disappointed" about the whole sordid ordeal. Amen, brother. Reinsdorf, a former tax executive for the IRS who is believed to be worth a tad under $300 million, has been through the ringer on this one.

We here at Rip City Forever would like to extend our heartfelt condolences to the embattled executive. Here's to a full recovery.

TJH